I don’t know how to feel. Judging by the points for districts, our position should be fixed at around 4th. This morning, we were praying it wouldn’t be so.
And it really wasn’t. In a negative way.
I’m crying so hard as I type this because it’s just so hard to be strong. As I look through my Facebook page, I can see all the good luck messages. Everyone had been pinning high hopes on us, we had so many supporters. Teacher officers, seniors, everyone came back to support us. SM commented that he wanted to see the fierce competition this year, all our seniors were telling us about how much we can show.
I wouldn’t say that our efforts are completely wasted. Gosh, I have so many things to say that I don’t know where to start from. I wouldn’t blame myself because I knew I’d done my part. Every night for me was just spent thinking about what would happen, thinking about how I can improve, and I had been trying my best to get the routine to perfection. I felt really stressed whenever I thought about the finals because I was so afraid things would turn out to be different. I was so afraid schools would improve so much more and push us all the way down. Guess what happened?
This performance did not pull off as well as I expected it to be. There were so many screw-ups, I could hear them, I could see them. But I kept up my confidence level throughout. I didn’t make any major mistakes (what I think) so I felt fine. But after the performance, I thought about everyone’s standard today and my heart really felt like it was set on fire. We practised so much, I repeated some parts for like a hundred times. But the standard showed today did not reflect the practices we had at all. Perhaps it’s quality of practice and not quantity. But I promised not to cry, I held it back all the way.
I knew we did very badly. My face totally changed, it was the first time it was so hard to put up a smile. I knew we wouldn’t be able to keep up the standards they set last year. But I had not expected ourselves to really do so horribly.
6th sounds so amazing sometimes. It’s such an irony, isn’t it? We got 1st for West districts, and yet we got 6th in nationals. The 2 schools that we won in the districts overtook us this time.
I wouldn’t say we turned complacent after being champion for districts. We did our best to improve already. I was really worn out. I tried my best, in fact I slept in lessons every single day because I wasn’t energetic enough for lessons. I often had to burn midnight oil just to finish uncompleted homework because of reaching home late. Every day seemed like a torture, but I held on. Because I knew this could be the only chance we could prove ourselves to be better than the rest.
But it didn’t happen.
I’m not blaming myself for not having put in effort at all. In fact, the whole time I was just angry at how we had set such low standards again. Like what Jiawei said, orienteering, shooting, west challenge (for me), fsd, we pulled them all down. I memorised stuff like ‘freestyle drill promotes creativity and teamwork .. …. resilience’ whatever among cadets. Teamwork. One person screw up and the whole team is gone. But we cannot leave out any one in the team.
Every single member is extremely important. It’s not just determining whether the routine looks nice or not, but it plays an important part in pulling the team together. If we’re not bonded, it would be difficult to do things. If one team member is not committed enough, the whole team would not be a whole.
I have failed thrice, and this is the fourth time. I’m not sure if all these experiences are enough to show my incompetency. Or maybe my luck is just on the wrong side. And yes, you were right.
My mother called me after the competition, and I told her we got 6th. Her reaction was like “Aiyo, why so lan!?” By then, I tried to remain strong and pretended that it was a really good position already. But really, what she thinks is what I think. But I can’t show it in front of many people.
This is just a splatter of personal feelings and I’ll add more when I feel like it. But I definitely feel much better after crying straight for a few hours. Why must it always be due to NCC?