Monthly Archives: March 2014

Dejected

Just had a KFC Rice Bucket and Koi Milk Tea- both of which I’d consider too sinful for dinner normally. And instead of 50% sugar as usual, I opted for 70% today.

I have actually no idea why I’m feeling so upset- or maybe I do. Just yesterday I saw something about grades not determining your self-worth, and today I feel so defeated by my results.

Initially I was really really happy upon receiving my results, I mean I got a B! B in JC is something I’ll never complain about. But there had to be comparisons made- that only 3 people scored lower than a B and that means… only 3 people fared worse than me since I just hit the B grade.

Let’s put that into perspective. There were 22 As and 16 Bs, which meant that….. my percentiles are gonna be extremely low, again. Last test was already, really bad enough.

I never think that I don’t put enough effort, because I really dedicate so much time to this compared to other subjects. I do my tutorials really diligently every weekend. In fact, for this test I started studying exceptionally early wanting to salvage the horrifying grades from the previous test….. but meh, obviously it didn’t really pay off. I hate to tell myself that it’s because I didn’t do enough, it’s because I didn’t study hard enough, it’s because I didn’t listen well enough, …because of the multitude of reasons that I manage to come up with for myself. It stops working after a while, really. Where do I find the motivation and energy to continue studying and working hard when my hard work doesn’t bear fruit? I really have no clue.

I would usually feel really guilty after indulging in so much shit for dinner. Strangely, it’s not of a concern to me today. In fact, I feel much better now.

This term started off on a pretty bad note… I really hope the rest of the term will be fine. I should really start finding avenues to remind myself that I’m not as stupid as JC education makes me out to be. It really hurts a lot to feel so.

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#TGIF

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How I spent my Friday night: Kim Soohyun with my Cookie Chip Dough (regretting now oh no)

Today is probably the most beautiful day all week- have been doing so many essays / tutorials / notes that I find joy in running (hey what)

I have been watching You Who Came From The Stars all day after I got bored of studying after 30 minutes this morning and I can’t stop HAHAHAHA so this is my 9th episode for today…. Which calls for the end of this drama 😦

Sian I’m gonna be so damn sad, drama withdrawal symptoms are going to sink in so bad. (Unintentional rhyme HAHAHA) This was a really good Korean drama man, haven’t watched such a drama that kept my heart in fear and in so much suspense for a really long time already.

Best and worst TGIF ever, Monday is approaching. The blue Monday….. when school officially starts to consume me for another term. Sob.

大开眼界

I was walking around my neighbourhood, trying to cool down after a horribly overdue run. And then I passed by three deserted playgrounds.

It’s the March holidays. It’s considered evening this very moment. I would safely say, at this moment a decade ago, the playground would be filled with people queuing up for slides and rocking on the toy horses, even though it doesn’t seem of much fun to me anymore.

I remember how I used to play on swings in these sandy playgrounds, begging my maid to accompany me downstairs to join the rest of the kids who were screaming and shrieking to my envy.

I remember how I insisted on bringing my bicycle along to the hawker centre even though it was a hassle to carry it down staircases when my neighbourhood wasn’t handicapped-friendly yet (problematic child alert).

I remember how kids my age played with sparklers every festive holiday and how I’d gaze down from the window, wishing I could join them. Throwing paper balls down through my metal-grilled windows as messages to my neighbours expressing my resentment, because I wasn’t allowed to leave the house after 8pm.

And I wonder, at this time and age, whether mobile devices and enrichment classes starting from ages as young as three are robbing children of their childhood.

Shit brain

Evidently getting distracted from my work I mean… What’s new? Doing ILTs are really easy when I’m in a rush, like when it’s due the very next day. But when I’m quite free and taking the extra time I have for granted, I really take forever. 😦 should really tighten my schedule so that I’m more productive within the little pockets of free time I get.

So I had this little impulse to talk about this inability of mine since forever: Absorbing in lessons.

I’ve come to realise this really pressing problem of mine recently. I think I never had this problem back in secondary school cause I DON’T LISTEN ANYWAY (Ms Loh said my New Year Resolution for 2013 should be to stop sleeping hehe w h a t???). Now that I’ve become so damn attentive in lessons, I can’t seem to absorb everything/or ANYTHING cause every lesson is a content saturation for me.

More so when my teachers say things like “Remember, it was brought up in the first lecture”… LOL WAIT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST LECTURE? Furthermore Mr Tan likes to give quizzes based on our existing knowledge of the topic to see where we stand- and I swear I’ll never be able to answer a single question if I don’t read up before lesson. Somehow content that seemed so easy to grasp and understand during the lesson itself just manage to diffuse out of my brain (return flow, you call it in Hydrology). It’s as if I entirely forget what has been taught? Like “oh…. This is quite familiar. I’ve seen it before. But I don’t know what it is.”

Even with copious notes frantically taken down during lectures/tutorials, I seem to have no recollection of what had gone on during the lesson. It’s so depressing because I see my peers so actively engaged during the lesson with their prior knowledge of the content, and there’s me who is busy trying to re-understand concepts that I had once understood.

I know the solution is to read up promptly after lesson, or on the very same day to improve memory retention rates, but on normal weekdays we are all rushing out tutorials! Who would have time to take out their lesson notes from the morning? 😦 another problem of mine: Too reliant on being spoonfed bleah.

I have much complaints about the world today (EG. WHY DOES IT RAIN ON THE DAY I WISH TO SWIM? It has been raining for the w h o l e day.) despite the fact that I got my free Egg McMuffin after a 20-minute queue HAHAHA I am seriously damn cheapo omg.

I was hoping to spare some time this holiday to read a new book or watch a new drama, but with the workload tossed to us it’ll be impossible, even though RV doesn’t have block tests right after March holidays unlike most other JCs. After As… After As… It’ll come soon. It eventually will, anyway. Oh well, I shall not let short-term desires impede my progress in surmounting the big As! All the best for this journey Ng!!!

You waste the most time

When you have the most time to waste. Guess this was the golden quote that I picked up from the recent school assembly meant to trigger us to work hard or harder.

It’s so ridiculous yet painfully true. In my busiest and most painful days of secondary school, ironically my grades were at its best. Honestly I don’t think the effort I put in then can compare to how much of a mugger I am now, but somehow the sense of urgency back then coupled with wanting to pull off everything simultaneously propelled me to do well in various aspects.

But now I’m losing at life LOL. I’m doing badly in most aspects of my life (emphasis on grades of course), the only thing that I’m still excelling in is my optimism. Pretty sure I haven’t cried for the entire year, that’s a great achievement given that I’m a girl in my final year of tertiary education. Wow.

Lately I’ve been wanting to find some drive to push me ahead for this crazy year, so I’ve been attending all the higher education exhibitions particularly those directing me overseas. Frankly it used to be a very distant dream, it was only heard of in dramas and of the greatest political leaders in our country. While it still is a dream, at least I know it’ll be attainable if I had the riches….

It’ll be nice to bask in another country’s campus life and really break away from this local education system that has stifled me for 12 years. I’m not despising Singapore’s education system per se, it does produce excellent scholars with amazing results. However, who wouldn’t like a new environment which exposes you to so much more? It takes so much effort, though. I’m not from a particularly rich family and hence an overseas education can only be possible if I attain a scholarship and goodness me that’s even more far-fetched than gaining admission to an overseas university.

More so when I am at a total loss of what I want to do in life. There are many courses that I have a keen eye for, but there are little career choices that actually tempt me, or rather that I’ll actually really consider doing in the future. For instance, I attended the Environmental Studies talk at NUS recently, and while the course promises much fun and diversity pertaining to Geographical / Biological studies that I’ll be interested to learn about, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to work in that field in the near future.

Potential courses that I’ve been looking at also include Sociology, Criminology and even Business. But what can I be? A research analyst? A policewoman? Or simply an office lady? While I’m keeping my options open, I’m still waiting for my calling in life. It’s like how some people realise midway through their lives that they want to be a lawyer, or a doctor. But there’s nothing that triggers me at the moment! Even after watching so many Hong Kong dramas that revolves around so many careers (doctor, lawyer, teacher, army, judge, pastry chef, athlete, policeman, forensics, physicist, pilot, engineer, social worker).  Thought of all these examples based on dramas that I’ve caught before. You name it, they have it.

But what I know is that, I wish to do well enough to choose courses that I would like to take, instead of being subjected to appeal conditions against my wishes. In a nutshell, I must do exceedingly well to qualify for everything that I’m interested in, to keep my options open. That’s the only way I won’t regret at the end of the day, right.

And so there… It’s time to work hard, of probably harder. Shall hopefully not waste this March holiday as I always do, let it be a productive study holiday for once, even though RV does not have tests right after the holidays unlike other JCs 🙂

On a sidenote, looking forward to a free Seoul Garden buffet tomorrow hehehe I guess NCC is the only reason I’ll believe that there are actually free lunches in this world 🙂

Closet pig

I just realised how much sleep I really need to fully function in the day..

So I sleep at around 12.30am every night. That’s pretty normal, given that I can wake up considerably late at…. 6.30am?

That’s 6 hours in total.

Let’s include the short naps (well they’re thrills) I get during my 2 hours / 2.5 hours breaks during school. Also, the 30minute sleep I get on my car ride to school. That adds up to an hour.

That’s 7 hours in total.

And……. I come home everyday to a nap of at least 2 hours, usually 2.5 hours…. Hehehehehehe.

Good god I wonder how I survived my Year 1-4 days polishing shoes/completing group projects until 3.30am or even 4am, before waking up to run 2.4km the next morning as if the 2-hour sleep didn’t take a toll on my body. I even had to travel to school on my own before Year 4 which meant waking up at 5.43am. WOW HUIPING HOW DID YOU SURVIVE.

Gone were the days when I controlled my body clock. Now my body clock controls me by making me cold and weak LOL. There’s just this rumbling in my tummy and chest that I get when my body tries to signal to me that it’s tired. I used to impress everyone with my owling skills and power to last the night without a trace of fatigue at 3am but ummm wooow so I wonder what happened along the way. I respect me, then.

No wonder I’m not doing that well anymore cause Mr Lawrence once said that “you will always have those classmates who are super champion, no matter how many CCA or activities they have they will still go to class with everything completed”.

And then there’s me who……. Sleeps all that time away when it could have been put to more productive use LOL. But it’s okay, I think part of my optimism and positive outlook on life presently despite the countless failures and disappointments in my path comes from the fact that….. I sleep a lot. LOL.

Can’t wait to get home tomorrow to take my nap already, my wonderful soft and bouncy sofa seduces me home I swear.