Dejected

Just had a KFC Rice Bucket and Koi Milk Tea- both of which I’d consider too sinful for dinner normally. And instead of 50% sugar as usual, I opted for 70% today.

I have actually no idea why I’m feeling so upset- or maybe I do. Just yesterday I saw something about grades not determining your self-worth, and today I feel so defeated by my results.

Initially I was really really happy upon receiving my results, I mean I got a B! B in JC is something I’ll never complain about. But there had to be comparisons made- that only 3 people scored lower than a B and that means… only 3 people fared worse than me since I just hit the B grade.

Let’s put that into perspective. There were 22 As and 16 Bs, which meant that….. my percentiles are gonna be extremely low, again. Last test was already, really bad enough.

I never think that I don’t put enough effort, because I really dedicate so much time to this compared to other subjects. I do my tutorials really diligently every weekend. In fact, for this test I started studying exceptionally early wanting to salvage the horrifying grades from the previous test….. but meh, obviously it didn’t really pay off. I hate to tell myself that it’s because I didn’t do enough, it’s because I didn’t study hard enough, it’s because I didn’t listen well enough, …because of the multitude of reasons that I manage to come up with for myself. It stops working after a while, really. Where do I find the motivation and energy to continue studying and working hard when my hard work doesn’t bear fruit? I really have no clue.

I would usually feel really guilty after indulging in so much shit for dinner. Strangely, it’s not of a concern to me today. In fact, I feel much better now.

This term started off on a pretty bad note… I really hope the rest of the term will be fine. I should really start finding avenues to remind myself that I’m not as stupid as JC education makes me out to be. It really hurts a lot to feel so.

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