I haven’t gone on Tumblr for quite a while, and when I do, I usually visit my own blog…… ha yes narcissism at its best. It usually sets me thinking about the universe… and in particular about friendships today.
I have blogged about friendships countless times, about the non-existential nature of my best friend, about how much I’m thankful of the people who haven’t left me despite my eccentric nature and how 4G and NCC are practically the only groups of people I would find myself with. I am not one with many friends, albeit the many acquaintances made in my life. Friends have come and gone, and even those who stay for an extended period of time eventually slip away like sand held with an open hand.
I would usually blame it on myself. Frankly, I don’t give a shit about people who are not meant to stay. You can easily tell whether someone is meant to stay or not by the depths of your conversation and how well your thoughts resonate with each other. Unknowingly, we display this priority in many ways. When I finally turn on my mobile data after a few hours, I respond to people in the ranks of the invisible friendship meter in my head. I coldly ignore conversations that I have no wish to continue with- or simply make passing comments to quickly end a conversation. Why should I force myself to click with people that I am not meant for? To me, conversations are only meaningful when both people are willing to put in effort to sustain one. This makes many of my friendships one-sided, and me on the receiving end. I probably sound like a bitch from here: but I’ve rejected many attempted connections and set myself on a higher ground. I am by no means a popular person with thousands of people to respond to; I am never the prettiest girl nor the most interesting person to talk to. I have little friends, and yet I remain selective of the people I keep in touch with. For my limited social circle, I only have myself to fault.
This quote I reblogged can’t be more apt. Seriously.
There are also the short-term friends, who leave as quickly as they come. I can mentally name a few right now as they probably form the bulk of people I once interacted frequently with. In the first few days of the conversations, or even a few weeks, it’s always the most intriguing. You may possibly find that this someone has a really interesting background that you want to probe about. You might even realise that despite leading vastly different lives from birth, you eerily share many similar traits or interests. However, some of these friendships are just like candles which burn out eventually. With prolonged interaction, you find out their flaws, and you slowly realise that they are not who you thought they were. They may display sides of themselves that you don’t really fancy, and slowly they get demoted to the ranks of what you would consider “acquaintances”, with your text exchanges becoming slower, gradually extending down the list, and eventually forgotten.
In retrospect, I have tried my best many times too. There are many people I helplessly tried to keep in my life, who slid away eventually. There are always regrets when you truly consider “what could have been” and “what we could be”. These are the people that I really treasured and cherished, who once made a great impact on my life, or changed my outlook on various things. Unfortunately, they also happen to be the most difficult to keep. Here’s an example: Person A and B were once so close, they shared about their secrets, fears, insecurities and their dreams. At that point in time, they were indispensable to each other. Many years down the road, they may have gone separate ways from school, or gradually drifted away because of a disagreement (maybe men?) Now, Persons A and B have found new confidantes, new best friends to substitute each other and they no longer need each other. How would they be able to catch up for the years of lost time, knowing that their depth of friendship will never reach to that of the past? It takes even courage to speak to each other again, with the constant struggle of “If she thinks I’m important, she would speak to me first.” The cycle will never end, and with time this mental barrier gets increasingly difficult to overcome. Two people who were once soulmates, who once never passed a day without each other, would eventually become strangers.
I have talked about friends who slipped away, or perhaps myself slipping away. I guess words can’t really describe the importance of people who willingly stay with me despite my inherent flaws, that I am not so quick to point out myself. It’s probably more of a fear of finding out- who would wish to hear criticisms being spat straight in their faces? I can’t find another word besides “thankful” “grateful” “thankful” “grateful” for all these people in my life. There are definitely reasons why you would give up on life and on yourself, but they will never ever offset the many reasons why your friends will never give up on you. True friends don’t go, and you’ll never have to chase them as well. You just find your places in each others’ heart and stay… until you’re destined to leave. It might even be permanent, who knows really?
I can easily find an explanation to almost everyone who exists or once existed in my life. But not so much for you. I have never felt so intrinsically connected to a stranger, and it’s really strange to even think about it. Sadly, it sucks to know that eventually you would exit through the paths of my life and become yet another somebody that I used to know. I wonder when that day will be.