Monthly Archives: April 2014

Hell hole

It’s rather ironic how I opened WordPress on my iPhone (HTCs off to the repair centre) and saw “one of the plus points of RV” as the last updated post on this phone.

Because right now, I simply can’t wait to get the fuck out of this place. I don’t usually use profanities in blog posts, but there’s probably no other word that works.

What the hell, really. Can’t wait to get out to be able to do a more complete blog post of all these nonsense.

“You still don’t understand?”

I had been wanting to rant about this since morning given the intense feelings I had then, but it’s been a few hours since then and I guess those feelings have subsided quite a bit.

I am not the recipient of the remark as titled, but I thought it was pretty unfair how it was lashed out at her given that it IS a difficult content topic. It was followed by something worse, which I can’t spell out because that will really give it away. How on Earth (lol literally since it’s beyond Earth) are we supposed to understand that in such a short period of time…? It was mentioned that it “takes time, you”ll slowly get it” but yet with my constant revision of the material (which means searching for articles and videos by the way), I have conformed to the idea that eventually I’ll just memorize the answers for the test, with how clueless I still am.

That’s what really sucks by the way.  I don’t deny Singapore’s efforts to continually step up in this age of education, where opposing views are increasingly valued over textbook answers. But it really remains a great challenge if educators are going to slam down students’ questions this way. Why are we, as students, being drilled to answer examination questions (and please examiners), instead of being encouraged to grow our thirst for knowledge? What happened to learning, or rather, being encouraged to learn?

I did not, and have not seen the wrong in clarifying doubts we have. It may be really simple to some, but for some of us it could be really abstract and incomprehensible. In that case, how is it wrong to surface our doubts? I’m pretty sure we aren’t stupid just because we fail to grasp one aspect of the topic, which is well, technically not even part of the topic. There’s a reason why it has been removed from the syllabus document- it’s definitely not completely for us, but also for the teachers themselves. I don’t see why we should be expected to easily comprehend something that some teachers can’t even grasp. We are far from being geniuses, I mean there’s a reason why we are here in RV.

I’m not faulting anyone here, because this is analagous with whatever RV is trying to inculcate in us, or rather, possibly the general education system as a whole. Mrs Tay once told us that the difference between us and another elite school she had taught is the style of lessons. RV students constantly demand for more and more practice papers. The majority of students in the elite school however, spend most of their classroom time asking and asking, making sure they’re devoid of any doubts in content knowledge before attempting any questions. Isn’t that what learning is supposed to be like?

When I was nominated to attend the dialogue session with the MOE staff, I expressed something like “I actually really like learning the subject, but my grades are killing my interest in it.” I guess that’s where the learning outcomes fail so badly. I actually feel really rich in content knowledge, but if my intelligence continues to be judged by the results I attain (in other words, how well I’m drilled to answer assessment questions), I guess I wouldn’t go wrong in saying that I’m a really stupid person.

I appreciate your honesty because not many people can be this blunt anymore, but I don’t think you should put her down like that, or rather us, since I was a quiet mouse silently swallowing answers as they were. Just like what you said, 我们都是人. Some of us have different learning curves from others, and I think it’s only normal that we face difficulties in our learning. Because only in adversity do we really learn.

Hey

Gentle reminder to self:

1. Blog about hike / 6S outing / life.

I’ve just gone through what could be considered the greatest weekend thus far this year, and like what Gracie mentioned I actually had withdrawal symptoms from waking up on Saturday, kinda hit by the knowledge that the fun we had on Friday will never repeat itself again. 😦

“You can’t make me different, and then leave.”

I’m quite certain this quote should resonate with nearly all teenagers- and that’s how the book tugged at my heartstrings so well. I spent my weekend reading Looking For Alaska by John Green and I’m really impressed by how the writing really brought the characters alive in my head. I seriously felt my chest tightening at some quotes in the book omg I got so emotionally attached what on earth…? I am usually very attached to drama characters which is perfectly normal (Eg. How can you not fall in love with 邱泽 in 爱情睡醒了?)- but being attached to characters in fictional writing is quite new for me… Goodness me I can’t even spell out my sadness when the main character died. I died inside too.

Right now April is already ending and that’s nearly half the school year gone!!!! That means I’m 11/12 done with RV life LOL. I am pretty excited for May because it’s gonna be the most happening month in this whole year, before everything ceases for A Levels. Man, I could totally own this shit!!! Ng, you need to go out and own that upcoming Geog test, you’ve been owned twice already….!!!

Ok crapping too much don’t think I want to get insomnia again. Had so much trouble sleeping last night thanks to reading a book for 4 hours straight, come I clap for myself…

Indebted

Arghh how unlucky can I get- it’s freaking 12.40am and I’m lying awake on bed with a horrible tummy ache…. Heck I ate dinner at least 6 hours ago what’s with this tummy rebellion?!

Ok anyway, I was stalking some blogs earlier and I realised that… although I lead a pretty sheltered life, in the sense that I never ever have to worry about paying school fees / educational materials, my parents have given me a lot of space to sort of… find myself through life.

I never really attended enrichment lessons in the earlier years of my childhood, when I was too young to make my own decisions. My mother probably got pissed off with me the day I refused to go to my dance class (hehehe yes I could have been a dancer…) and sat at my house gate crying like a cow. Guess what, I didn’t want to turn up because my teacher told me during the previous lesson that my sunflower pants aren’t allowed (wow I still remember the combination of clothes I was wearing), and I had to wear some spendex pants to dance! I got upset cause I felt I was getting singled out… I was such a young and ignorant kid!

So I cried at the gate and refused to leave the house for my class. And then I was pulled out from the dance class LOL HAHAHA THAT WAS EASY. From then my mother probably didn’t want to take anymore risks, so she didn’t bother sending me to any other enrichment classes. Oh and she brought home a Timeout chocolate that very night to appease my crying soul, guess I was really upset HAHAHA goodness.

Unfortunately, because of that I really lacked what other people of my generation had in their childhood: tons of enrichment classes to maximise their potential and holistically develop them. It can be viewed in a positive way of course- that I was truly able to enjoy my childhood. But as I grew up I started to question the existence of my talents- I am not musically-inclined, I don’t excel in team sports, and the only thing I can probably do is study and get horrible grades. And so I started my “enrichment classes journey”.

Actually I had private tuition because I got 27/50 for English in Primary 1 and once again my mother got pissed. Other than that I never ever ever had any other classes, until I requested to take up swimming in Year 1 cause I wanted to go kayaking with NCC in Year 2. I wasn’t even sent to swimming, which was almost a pre-requisite for any child. I remember sheepishly raising my hands whenever my teachers asked “Who doesn’t know how to swim?” Oh wow… what a glorious past.

Of course, not forgetting the sudden predisposition towards music- hence taking up piano lessons in JC1. I have to say that has been one of my best decisions ever. Nothing can make you as intrinsically satisfied, by listening to a piece of music played by yourself. Of course, I’m not even at Grade… 1? Ok what did I just say I am truly an embarrassment to everyone my age LOL. But age really matters- people were encouraging me to take it up only after As but that’s way too late. People are taking Grade 1 exams at age 4 and I am what…. 17? At that point in time when I was contemplating, I had already been 14 years late, and I didn’t want to miss out on another year. And so I walked to the piano school in my neighbourhood and registered for lessons.

In a sense, I like how I am able to make most of life’s decisions on my own, such as my CCAs and subject combination, without being subjected to the ideals and desires of my parents’. I have tons of friends who took up their classes / subjects / whatever because of their parents’ opinions “This is all good for you” and I am extremely thankful I am not subjected to that. Even if it’s purely out of goodwill, I doubt I’d be able to truly understand myself if I merely follow through the trail my parents have set out for me.

But yet, there’s a slight tinge of regret in me for crying at the gate that day. If only I wasn’t such a brat… Who knows where I’d be, or what I’d be. I probably wouldn’t even be in NCC.

Friendships

I haven’t gone on Tumblr for quite a while, and when I do, I usually visit my own blog…… ha yes narcissism at its best. It usually sets me thinking about the universe… and in particular about friendships today.

I have blogged about friendships countless times, about the non-existential nature of my best friend, about how much I’m thankful of the people who haven’t left me despite my eccentric nature and how 4G and NCC are practically the only groups of people I would find myself with. I am not one with many friends, albeit the many acquaintances made in my life. Friends have come and gone, and even those who stay for an extended period of time eventually slip away like sand held with an open hand.

I would usually blame it on myself. Frankly, I don’t give a shit about people who are not meant to stay. You can easily tell whether someone is meant to stay or not by the depths of your conversation and how well your thoughts resonate with each other. Unknowingly, we display this priority in many ways. When I finally turn on my mobile data after a few hours, I respond to people in the ranks of the invisible friendship meter in my head. I coldly ignore conversations that I have no wish to continue with- or simply make passing comments to quickly end a conversation. Why should I force myself to click with people that I am not meant for? To me, conversations are only meaningful when both people are willing to put in effort to sustain one. This makes many of my friendships one-sided, and me on the receiving end. I probably sound like a bitch from here: but I’ve rejected many attempted connections and set myself on a higher ground. I am by no means a popular person with thousands of people to respond to; I am never the prettiest girl nor the most interesting person to talk to. I have little friends, and yet I remain selective of the people I keep in touch with. For my limited social circle, I only have myself to fault.

friends
This quote I reblogged can’t be more apt. Seriously.

There are also the short-term friends, who leave as quickly as they come. I can mentally name a few right now as they probably form the bulk of people I once interacted frequently with. In the first few days of the conversations, or even a few weeks, it’s always the most intriguing. You may possibly find that this someone has a really interesting background that you want to probe about. You might even realise that despite leading vastly different lives from birth, you eerily share many similar traits or interests. However, some of these friendships are just like candles which burn out eventually. With prolonged interaction, you find out their flaws, and you slowly realise that they are not who you thought they were. They may display sides of themselves that you don’t really fancy, and slowly they get demoted to the ranks of what you would consider “acquaintances”, with your text exchanges becoming slower, gradually extending down the list, and eventually forgotten.

In retrospect, I have tried my best many times too. There are many people I helplessly tried to keep in my life, who slid away eventually. There are always regrets when you truly consider “what could have been” and “what we could be”. These are the people that I really treasured and cherished, who once made a great impact on my life, or changed my outlook on various things. Unfortunately, they also happen to be the most difficult to keep. Here’s an example: Person A and B were once so close, they shared about their secrets, fears, insecurities and their dreams. At that point in time, they were indispensable to each other. Many years down the road, they may have gone separate ways from school, or gradually drifted away because of a disagreement (maybe men?) Now, Persons A and B have found new confidantes, new best friends to substitute each other and they no longer need each other. How would they be able to catch up for the years of lost time, knowing that their depth of friendship will never reach to that of the past? It takes even courage to speak to each other again, with the constant struggle of “If she thinks I’m important, she would speak to me first.” The cycle will never end, and with time this mental barrier gets increasingly difficult to overcome. Two people who were once soulmates, who once never passed a day without each other, would eventually become strangers.

I have talked about friends who slipped away, or perhaps myself slipping away. I guess words can’t really describe the importance of people who willingly stay with me despite my inherent flaws, that I am not so quick to point out myself. It’s probably more of a fear of finding out- who would wish to hear criticisms being spat straight in their faces? I can’t find another word besides “thankful” “grateful” “thankful” “grateful” for all these people in my life. There are definitely reasons why you would give up on life and on yourself, but they will never ever offset the many reasons why your friends will never give up on you. True friends don’t go, and you’ll never have to chase them as well. You just find your places in each others’ heart and stay… until you’re destined to leave. It might even be permanent, who knows really?

I can easily find an explanation to almost everyone who exists or once existed in my life. But not so much for you. I have never felt so intrinsically connected to a stranger, and it’s really strange to even think about it. Sadly, it sucks to know that eventually you would exit through the paths of my life and become yet another somebody that I used to know. I wonder when that day will be.