So hurtful

I’ll never understand why people can be so tactless… why? Why so discouraging? I remained silent for a reason, why did you have to make it worse?

They’d never see the value in my pursuit of academia (maybe because both parents didn’t even complete secondary school). Or the pursuit in other areas like NCC. It’ll always either be a waste of time or being a mere busybody that I always am, isn’t it? Because “到最后你拿文凭也是没有用”. Really? Then why did you send me to school?

Sometimes, I really wonder how manage to stay optimistic in my family- where I am constantly being chastised for my grades (I recall getting scolded for getting 48/50 for Math test in primary school). Getting 253 for PSLE was no mean feat (for me), and yet it was seen as a joke for the rest of my family who thought it’ll be funny to taunt me about it. It’s been 6 years, but I’ll never forget how I cried silently to sleep on results day because of “为什么那么烂?!” Come to think of it, have I ever been praised for my results before? I struggle to even recall.

Furthermore, I am constantly living with the reminder that I’m gaining weight, that I am too black, too fat, too manly. Too short. Too slow. Too stupid. Too hot-tempered. Too cocky. Whatever. I’m probably the most imperfect creature ever created. I wonder if this is where my insensitivity and lack of tact stems from.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore this is spoiling my day bye


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