Frankly very tired today, and it was all perpetuated by a very terrible morning.
Where do I start? I think it’s pretty clear what my priorities are at this very moment: study, go Starbucks, sleep, study, do work, study… Call me a freaking no-lifer but I just can’t afford any free time now. I want those As! Who doesn’t?! Even as I attended the NDP function tonight I brought my NOTES into a club. And left promptly at 9 because… come on. I’m not anywhere near ready for Prelims. Don’t even talk about A Levels. Something is wrong when you open a (supposedly easy) paper to be stumped at the very first question.
So when you ask me to free up an entire day just to go shopping (“隨便走走”, as quoted), obviously I won’t agree to it. I mean, I don’t even get much sleep on weekdays and you want me to…. go shopping on my weekend? 6 days away to Prelims as of today… really?
Guess what I got chided for disagreeing. Saying that I’m “acting seh”, that everyone “has to accomodate to me”, that “I can go out with my friends but not family”, then starting to lecture me about “degrees are useless, people only look at work performance.” You talk about me constantly excluding myself from outings, but how am I not supposed to? The family flew to USA in August 2011; to Beijing in April 2012; and now they’re heading to China again this coming October. How am I supposed to accommodate your schedules when you clearly know that I have school during then? Is it now my fault, that I’m the last child and I’ll be the last one to graduate? Wow, so now I’ve become the burden because of something I can’t help.
How can I not be hurt? I’m going though possibly the hardest academic struggle of my entire life, I’ve worked so hard for it over the course of these two years, I’ve always had my goals in mind and I’ve never asked for anything extra. I’ve learnt to rely on myself more than anyone else. I refused to ask for tuition even though everyone like DAMN HELL EVERYONE has at least one session per week (even the H3 students). And yes, I do want tuition. I obviously do. I’ve never asked for funding to support my desire of an overseas education. I’ve never asked for increased allowances despite how I’m unable to afford things for my personal consumption after paying for notes and meals. Why can’t I just gain acceptance for my educational desires?
Again it boils down to being the only one in my family struggling though this JC education system. My parents are uneducated (stopped at primary school), my siblings were from poly technics and they never really had major examinations, apart from their O Levels. That leaves me as the only one, the only one struggling though this shitty journey. And the only one who will be struggling through this. I feel so burdened that I have to cope with both my studies and pleasing you all. It’s not even something I should be stressed about at this point in time.
Instead of slamming me down all the time, can’t you just be supportive of my goals for once?