It’s 10.15pm right now and I’m feeling extremely drowsy from the medicine…. and the fact that lights out is usually in 15 minutes time. Gosh, my eyelids are so extremely heavy now.
I’ve done it- 2 weekends of confinement. I can’t believe I did it. I think I can’t even get started on how tough these two weeks were for me. My period cycle screwed up and I had an 11-day cycle which was a bigshit burden, I had diarrhoea on the second day morning, I contracted hives on the second day afternoon right after SOC and I was itching the ENTIRE DAY. I nearly finished my entire can of snake powder within a day, spreading it all over my body just to curb the itch which barely worked until the night when I truly showered properly. I came down with a cold on the 6th or 7th day and it has lasted all the way till now. I woke up every single (tempted to insert a vulgarity here) day with muscle aches, back aches, and a blocked nose. I have so much problems getting down from the upper bed because I ache so much I can’t grab the railings properly. I cough like an old lady whenever I run, subsequently blocking my airway and forcing my body to breathe desperately through my mouth. My back injury acts up and sends a sharp pain through my entire body whenever I bend down to pick up my field pack (and hence I can’t, and I need assistance ALL THE TIME), when I land from platform jumps because the impact kills the tendon so bad, or simply when they make us “Sit!” “Squat!” “Stand!” “Butts down!” “Feets up!” Worst form of punishment? Perhaps. Because I’m the burden over here: I am possibly the one causing everyone to have this “Slow, recover” nonsense because I can’t stand and squat in time because of my freaking back. I hate the fact that I pulled this tendon during fkn SHUTTLE RUN last year because it has affected me all the way until now, and it has impaired my ability to do so many things. I can run through my flu and my cough because all you need is endurance and mental willpower, I can run through my dizziness because I know it’ll eventually end, I can pull through my muscle aches and torn muscles because I know these will just make me physically stronger, but I can’t pull through a freaking injury because it makes me feel like my whole back is ripping apart whenever I stretch that area excessively. I feel so regretful that I had to fall out during Basic Close Combat Training today, which is pretty much extremely retarded because that’s one of the least physical strenuous activities we have in BMT. I stood out for that activity because I knew the criss-cross punches were going to kill my side back like it did the first time, but right now there are another 6 sessions ahead and I don’t think I should continue falling out anymore. And hence, I am truly upset that I can’t proudly proclaim I did confinement week without sitting out.
I’m not as physically fit as the people who join, especially the athletes. Dragonboaters. Canoers. Swimmers. Soccer players. Fencing. Taekwondo. I’m terribly slow compared to the rest of the female recruits, be it during running, the route march or pull ups. I have one of the poorest IPPT scores, and I’m honestly pretty ashamed of it. Right now I can get silver, yes, but who can’t get silver? Of course, the standard to pass BMT for a female is a mere pass- but a pass is nothing to be proud about. Gold, Commando Gold, those standards for IPPT were set because they were achievable. They were benchmarks for us to gauge our own physical ability. I feel upset that I am not meeting my personal standards when it comes to strength and speed training, because I used to be a faster and stronger runner. I know I will improve with time, but right now the illness is getting to me because I’ve been using my flu as an excuse to push myself less during runs. I really really hope that it’s just the flu that’s getting to my body, and not my terrible stamina. Because of this, I’m not that sure whether I’m really conditioning my body for harsh conditions or not.
Aside from the fact that my physical standards are a total disappointment at least to myself, I’m really really glad I signed up for BMT. It was all about a leap of faith, and I’m glad I took that great leap. It’s only 2 weeks into BMT, and while we aren’t exposed to the worst parts of the SAF life yet, it has taught me a lot about cherishing the little time we have with our families, as well as how much we have to depend on our sectionmates and bunkmates in everything. They aided me in so many little ways I can’t thank them enough: in stealing toilet paper for me just for me to get rid of my mucus, in helping me refill bottles whenever I do not have the time, waking me up in the morning because I am always the last, in helping me fold my blankets because I am a domestic disaster/had to go down early, in helping me lay my bedsheets because my 156cm height disallows me from reaching the inner corners of my mattress, pushing me so hard during the route march because I am a total turtle, helping me pick up and strap my fieldpack because my back is a freaking burden. Yesterday I slept smiling because I prayed so hard for a good section and wonderful sectionmates, and I knew those prayers were answered. I’m not even dreading book in day at all, because I know that I am becoming both mentally and physically stronger, in the company of girls that are mature and yet of similar frequency. “Battery cap check” becomes “virginity check”, and we start addressing people by ridiculous pet names such as “cup of tea” since she doesn’t like tea. We are way too ambitious, aiming to shower in ridiculous timings like 3 minutes because instructions were received to “FALL IN” right after I entered the shower and completely got out of my clothes. But those memories are the most golden, I would think.
Thanks girls 🙂 We are the smallest and yet most diverse section as agreed by our PC: I have sectionmates who are more than double my age, we have tri-services, we have aunties, lovesick ones, homesick ones and freaking noisy ones….. and no, it’s not me.
Guys we meet have been questioning endlessly “Why you sign on ah?” Our commanders, our company mates, are all wondering why we make this supposedly silly decision. But honestly right now I don’t think I’ve made an incorrect decision. I’m not sure how hard it will be from here, given that there’s field camp, nonsense, and a lot more nonsense involving my back, but I’ll rest well, recover, and I hope that I will not be such a burden during physical activities anymore. I’m thankful today, and I was grinning from ear to ear during book out. I feel that I’ve truly given my best in all the physical activities we have done lately, in spite of all the challenges that were thrown at me due to poor adaptability to military life. I feel that I deserved this well-earned book out.
Omg, I’m so sleepy. It’s time for lights out… on a usual day. 😦 Can I not care about the 守岁 this year?!