I haven’t blogged in a while (lies, I just blogged a whole load of shit a week ago).
I’ve possibly just passed the storm. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried at least once every week in the past 10 or so weeks, somehow everyday something new just occurs, even when the day ends smoothly. Why didn’t you think of this? Why didn’t you that? Was there a better way to do things? I would like to think of myself as continually optimistic despite everything that has been thrown at me- and I must say this course truly grills you mentally. I really respect all the seniors who will be commissioning next Sunday, how did they survive all these?
It’s hopefully 18 more days to my award presentation at the Istana, and hopefully 2 more months before I depart for my studies at UCL. Earlier people were digging up my tweets from 2014 and I saw how I allowed myself to “dream big, you’ll make it”; take the “biggest leap of faith in my life”, and I’m glad I made all these decisions. One year ago I’d never have imagined myself to be on track for the SAF Merit Scholarship, to be invited back to school for RV Honours Day- that I’ve always attended as a freaking member of the audience cause I always seemed to be free on Saturdays. People used to tell me that obtaining the scholarship will be “easy” especially for SMS (Women), and NO CAN I DENY IT WITH ALL MY HEART NOW. I’ve been so tired these few months I just look forward to Saturday, and the next Saturday, and then the next public holiday. And then before I know it I think I’ll be flying off.
I’m honestly afraid. Some weeks ago I walked through Clementi alone at 11pm, taking pictures of the hawker centre, Bata, of all these shophouses that never seemed significant to me at any point in my life. I sat down, thought about the tumultuous times I was presently going through, cried, and realised that this was a place I was going to leave for 3 long years, or maybe 4. It was always painful to know that I had a choice: to be a civilian and walk through that pathway innocently at 1pm to buy Koi, or to be a soldier and walk through that pathway at 11pm knowing that I had to book in in less than 24 hours. The alternative sounded so attractive in my crying thoughts: I could easily take up my NUS placing in FASS, and what more in the USP. Even if I stayed in hall I would actually get to see my family over the weekends. Equally I’ll have great educational opportunities, and all of a sudden there didn’t seem to be a need to leave my family behind in Singapore anymore. I thought about how old my parents will be by the time I return: Dad 61 and Mom 57, it doesn’t help that I’m the youngest child because it means that I’ll have even less time with my parents by the time I become an adult. I didn’t value “family time” that much until I entered the SAF- especially during training periods like now. To top it off I’m left with 2 months in Singapore, and yet I’ll potentially be deployed on MSTD, or be confined like how I’m staying in camp this entire weekend. I never thought I’ll miss my family so much. I think about how I’ll possibly be able to go back in 3 months for Christmas, 6 months for Easter, or perhaps another 9 months before I’ll return to Singapore for my vacational attachment. That’s a whole lot of consideration given that I haven’t even flown yet.
I’m definitely not giving up this dream of mine that has stuck with me of course, which motivated me through the entire 2014. I’m probably just slightly shaken at 12.53am by the fact that I am truly going to be alone for 3 straight years, and even when I return for my summer holidays, I spend 10 out of 12 weeks on vacation attachment. It sounds daunting. But I think come 2018, I’ll find out that this hard work I put in to secure myself an overseas university education would be all worth it.