It’s finally a lull period

I haven’t blogged in a while (lies, I just blogged a whole load of shit a week ago).

I’ve possibly just passed the storm. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried at least once every week in the past 10 or so weeks, somehow everyday something new just occurs, even when the day ends smoothly. Why didn’t you think of this? Why didn’t you that? Was there a better way to do things? I would like to think of myself as continually optimistic despite everything that has been thrown at me- and I must say this course truly grills you mentally. I really respect all the seniors who will be commissioning next Sunday, how did they survive all these?

It’s hopefully 18 more days to my award presentation at the Istana, and hopefully 2 more months before I depart for my studies at UCL. Earlier people were digging up my tweets from 2014 and I saw how I allowed myself to “dream big, you’ll make it”; take the “biggest leap of faith in my life”, and I’m glad I made all these decisions. One year ago I’d never have imagined myself to be on track for the SAF Merit Scholarship, to be invited back to school for RV Honours Day- that I’ve always attended as a freaking member of the audience cause I always seemed to be free on Saturdays. People used to tell me that obtaining the scholarship will be “easy” especially for SMS (Women), and NO CAN I DENY IT WITH ALL MY HEART NOW. I’ve been so tired these few months I just look forward to Saturday, and the next Saturday, and then the next public holiday. And then before I know it I think I’ll be flying off.

I’m honestly afraid. Some weeks ago I walked through Clementi alone at 11pm, taking pictures of the hawker centre, Bata, of all these shophouses that never seemed significant to me at any point in my life. I sat down, thought about the tumultuous times I was presently going through, cried, and realised that this was a place I was going to leave for 3 long years, or maybe 4. It was always painful to know that I had a choice: to be a civilian and walk through that pathway innocently at 1pm to buy Koi, or to be a soldier and walk through that pathway at 11pm knowing that I had to book in in less than 24 hours. The alternative sounded so attractive in my crying thoughts: I could easily take up my NUS placing in FASS, and what more in the USP. Even if I stayed in hall I would actually get to see my family over the weekends. Equally I’ll have great educational opportunities, and all of a sudden there didn’t seem to be a need to leave my family behind in Singapore anymore. I thought about how old my parents will be by the time I return: Dad 61 and Mom 57, it doesn’t help that I’m the youngest child because it means that I’ll have even less time with my parents by the time I become an adult. I didn’t value “family time” that much until I entered the SAF- especially during training periods like now. To top it off I’m left with 2 months in Singapore, and yet I’ll potentially be deployed on MSTD, or be confined like how I’m staying in camp this entire weekend. I never thought I’ll miss my family so much. I think about how I’ll possibly be able to go back in 3 months for Christmas, 6 months for Easter, or perhaps another 9 months before I’ll return to Singapore for my vacational attachment. That’s a whole lot of consideration given that I haven’t even flown yet.

I’m definitely not giving up this dream of mine that has stuck with me of course, which motivated me through the entire 2014. I’m probably just slightly shaken at 12.53am by the fact that I am truly going to be alone for 3 straight years, and even when I return for my summer holidays, I spend 10 out of 12 weeks on vacation attachment. It sounds daunting. But I think come 2018, I’ll find out that this hard work I put in to secure myself an overseas university education would be all worth it.

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13 thoughts on “It’s finally a lull period

  1. Staceeeeey.

    Jiayou, Ping! The future may seem daunting, but follow your heart and stay optimistic; all is well. I know it’s easier said than done and despite all the challenges that you’ve faced, you’ve really faced them bravely in a way that even I myself don’t think I can make it. Always know that I’m proud to call you my friend & to know you (maybe you’ll say the same for me if I ever sign on too) and that anytime you need a listening ear, I’m just eight digits away. Stay strong, for when to going gets tough, the tough gets going! Always cheering you on :)💪🏼

    Reply
    1. nghuiping Post author

      Hi this came a month late but thank you Stacey 🙂 it’s been getting better lately!!! Thanks for all the encouragement which came in timely at a point in my life- hope that i would see you in the force one day! 🙂

      Reply
      1. nghuiping Post author

        yeh man STACEY so glad to have you here with me…. although not directly related la. :-))) hope to see you at future events!!!

  2. Sara

    so freakin’ proud of you ping!! “SMS women damn easy to get” LIES FRIGGING LIES. It takes a lot a lot of mental perseverance and resilience and I’m so happy that there’s so much of these things in you. You’re gonna be a brilliant officer, so take heart! You’re feeling a bit sad leaving this city and the people behind for the next few years but this is precisely because this city and these people mean so much to you and you’re working so hard to protect them. Take care and all the very best. ❤

    "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

    Reply
    1. nghuiping Post author

      Thanks merican american / for all the meetups that have meant a lot to me, and the effort that you’ve put in meeting up with us whenever you can. You’d do well wherever you go, I have faith! (And hopefully me too, hehehehehehe) will miss you when I’m abroad! ):

      Reply
  3. shubhankar shinde

    You have truly been an inspiring friend to me……being so positive and self motivated…..you have made us proud too back here in india…..it feels so proud when a picture of yours at the officer training or in that uniform with singapore flag at the background…..blessed to have a friend like you overseas….one of my besties…..keep going…all the best.. lots of love

    Reply
  4. shikra292

    hey it’s always not easy leaving everything that you have known behind for a few years, and it does seem daunting initially. But I would say, use the CLD course next week and get to know all your fellow colleagues and these are the ones you would go to when you are feeling low in London!

    If you need to talk, you can always talk to seniors in London who would most likely have been there and done that.

    You have travelled alone so you must know of the liberating feeling of being alone, and more importantly become cognizant of the fact that how you choose to spend your time is entirely up to you and you steer your own life now. It’s an exciting idea and not a bad one at all, so don’t worry too much! You will have lots of fun in london(:

    Reply
    1. nghuiping Post author

      Hi 🙂 I’ve heard the CLD course is when we truly get to know one another and I hope it’ll help, in addition I just got permission to take leave for orientation so I guess that may help me quite a bit!! Thanks so much.

      And yes I love travelling alone and I think I’ll live for that, even when the nights get longer I hope I’ll be okay! I can’t wait to head there frankly and I hope this excitement never diminishes.

      Thank you so much! May I know who you are by the way? 🙂

      Reply
      1. shikra292

        Haha I think it doesn’t really matter who I am, the message is the key; but I’ve been through the exact same process so I emphathise with you wholly!

        Yes I’m glad you managed to take leave, the orientation camp is a wonderful opportunity to meet your schoolmates and shouldn’t be missed. Okay, all the best, have fun for cld and pre departure!

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