While receiving his gifts made me happy, I must be honest in admitting that being alone really sucked.
My Valentine’s Day this year was spent like any other day. First Valentine’s Day as a girlfriend but possibly the worst one. The puzzle that HT has painstakingly drawn for me is nearly finished — one final piece for me when I am back in Singapore. I also received some nice (expensive!) collectible coins from him too. All planned months in advance knowing that he will not be right by my side during this special day.
I felt really envious when I saw pictures of couples being able to go out together. The first couple on my Facebook feed had a simple lunch followed by a movie — it was like any other ordinary date, but to me they were so lucky to be able to spend time together on this day. It was something they could still plan for in person — what movie, what meal, what time shall we meet… It reminded me of the excitement I had when we went on dates before we got together, when I would arrive way before our meeting time, although you would end up earlier than me anyway. I looked forward to every planned dinner with you. I looked forward to weekends so much, and dreaded going home at the end of every day together. I missed those feelings and honestly no matter how frequently we Skype, there will always be a void from a lack of physical presence. I don’t know, even the STOMPed article of the couple at the hawker centre having a simple meal made me envious. I want to give you my present in real, wish you Happy Valentine’s Day and see you smile too.
I hate these events. They create societal expectations and encourage forms of behaviour — families meeting up during CNY, close friends meeting up during Christmas, and couples meeting up during Valentine’s Day. Expectations are really the root of all disappointments and I certainly do not remember feeling this way when I was single last year.
I will keep trying to remind myself to be thankful to have a love that is raw and real, and that I am still lucky to be loved with a distance. To be thankful to have one who tries and keeps trying. But for today (and the next few days) just let me mull over the fact that I can only see you through Skype for the next 3 to 4 months while most of the world is out holding hands and being merry. LDR really sucks today 😦