Painful night

Some nights are always painful to remember and one that will stick with me forever is the night I did not get my COC. I remember the confirmation that I will leave the wharf without it and having to return next year to continue my struggle. I really wish I could erase it from my memory. I know I am going to encounter many more failures in my life/career and this is just a speck of whatever I have yet to be given, but it really still hurts. I expected failure but I really did not expect it to hit me this hard. I can still remember every line that was spoken to me that day, everything that transpired right from that moment — where I went, what time it was, and who walked by me to and fro to ensure that I was okay. I behaved so oddly that day I scare myself today; I locked myself in the toilet for the first 5 minutes and bawled my eyes out, and everyone was worried sick because they couldn’t find me anywhere. I remember refusing to order food because I obviously did not have the appetite and the mood to even think of what I wanted to eat, effectively skipping lunch and dinner. Actually typing this makes me tear up too oh god lol, I am so sorry to everyone who loved and cared for me. I really need to get a grip on my weak emotional state.

I remember you too. I remember how you came to me, telling me that everything will be okay, sneaking your arm around me and sacrificing your dinner for me even though you were dead hungry (because I stubbornly refused to order… lol). I remember telling you that I knew what I did (and was doing) was wrong but I couldn’t help it, you knew and understood quietly. I recall how devastated and broken I was and how I simply did not want to move from where I was seated. I cried so much I felt so weak and cold in the thick layers of uniform. I felt so terribly lost, scared, and lousy. After letting me cry my heart out for a few minutes (or maybe hours lolol) you passed me this heart along with the meal, made from a MacDonald’s straw of course.

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It has been in my pencil case since then without your knowledge. I will always try to remember that no matter how painful it is, I am lucky because I still have a sturdy shoulder to cry on. A willing one at that. We once had a conversation about “the moment when you realised you love your boyfriend/girlfriend” and for me it would be this very night. I found out that you were going to be there at my worst: when I am crazy (because my sadness made no sense to everyone), stubborn and unreasonable. I found love in you.

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