Monthly Archives: July 2017

Get well soon please

This is about the longest any illness has lasted in me, other than the rare loss of sense of smell and all the terrible things that accompany it. I feel nauseous when standing up or sitting down. It actually escalates into puking episodes, because my body fails to digest anything that goes in (which explained how all of my anniversary dinner came out at 4am). It feels so terrible to vomit, I hate vomiting, why have I been doing so much vomiting in the recent weeks?

Then there’s the prolonged fever that cannot seem to screw off. There’s also the recent onset of a migraine (throbbing only on one side of my head oh god), sore throat and earache that are bothering me when all I am trying to do is recover quickly. It was really a tragedy that my anniversary was spent at home keeping my puke in, sweating profusely on HT’s shoulder because my body was confused by all the medicine.

I have been sleeping 15 hours out of 24 hours in a day just to reduce the time I’m awake, just so that I do not feel any of the symptoms. Or maybe I’m truly making up for the lack of sleep all this while, as I burnt weekend after weekend. But honestly I am left with 4 weeks of VA and I do not really have anymore time for this. Please let me go back to ship soon.

Edit: I have totally forgotten that I talked about intense period cramps the last post. Turns out that they were real abdominal stomach cramps from stomach flu, and not period cramps. I can’t differentiate them. 😦

First year anniversary

My body has been thrown off-rhythm with all sorts of eventful happenings this week — my period this month with exceptionally bad cramps, my fever that keeps coming on and going off, and (suspected) food poisoning last night. I have yet to fully recover even though my MC has run its duration but I have reached a point whereby it is highly inappropriate to extend my medical leave given my (already long) 3-day absence from ship.

It was unfortunate that yesterday happened to be our first year anniversary, which should have been a good night at the end of it. He ended late, we met late, but he ended up sending me home really early (like 1-2 hours after dinner) because I felt so so queasy, with very intense period cramps. I tried to vomit at 12am but decided not to because it would make me feel really shitty; I ended up waking up at 4am with the queasy feeling, and a stronger urge to vomit. I hate vomiting and I don’t usually vomit (I try to sleep queasiness away), but in the past few weeks I have been vomiting so much from seasickness and (food poisoning?) that I am inclined to believe that my body has been subjected to a lot of stress all this while.

As I sit on my chair now I am hoping and hoping that the sea state today will be much better. My body has had enough and as strong as I may be going through the hectic ship routine with dozens of weekend sailings, I don’t think I can tolerate it for very much longer.

1 full weekend out of 10

If there’s a perfect description for the word demoralising it has to be this.

I’m very tired. I feel like an engine running low on fuel. The recent weekend sailing had in store plans to boost the crew’s morale, by planning a birthday celebration and “special makan” by the chef. It didn’t go too well, I puked it all out. Even with consumption of ginger pills (seasick pills). The sea state throughout the sailing was terrible. I will never forget the feeling leaning over the toilet bowl and puking my entire lunch and dinner out and imagining how I could be at RVNCC’s steamboat (which I had to miss even though I was in Singapore) or at my house’s dining table talking cock with my siblings. In my limited time left in Singapore I had to lose weekend by weekend, and it really hits me right in the heart.

I also remember that this same ship rolling may happen again next weekend. There are also 3 Sundays in August that are going to be burnt. I find it so so difficult to be positive because Sundays are so valuable to me. I also have less than 3 weeks left with HT. I am going to luck out eventually because I only have a few months left (or maybe weeks) in this squadron, but I can’t imagine having to stay positive losing every weekend when I’m back for good, and coping with sea state on top of that.

I hope things get better, because they have to. I am so desperate that I am already checking the sea state conditions for this weekend. It looks better, I hope it really will become better.

Freedom

Hi. It’s been a long time. Every time I blog I amaze myself at how quickly time passes, and as of today I have one full month left before HT leaves me for his long deployment.

It’s been about three weeks since I came on board and it certainly could be easier.

I think it’s easy to like your ship when it’s doing well. I was part of the work year that saw 82 getting best unit, and I saw for myself all the processes that made it possible. All the stringent checks on the crew, the tightened security measures and all the small safety checks that they conduct on the crew. I enjoyed my time on board too, I never understood why people hated their PV life so much. Why? The 82 ship crew was a great bunch of people. I enjoyed going to ship everyday because I laughed. I laughed a lot. People took care of me. They didn’t despise my gender for one — it’s really easy to come across as useless when you are unable to help to shift the gangway because it’s too heavy, and you probably wouldn’t contribute much other than highly possibly falling overboard. When you are unable to manage the running fenders properly because it’s bulky. When you are not strong enough to be a line handler on the deck. You can’t do seamanship for nuts. But the crew understood and were accepting about the weaknesses of my gender, and these weaknesses were hardly directed at me personally. Or even if they did, it was never blatant or disrespectful to me.

It’s then difficult to fall from the peak. So hard, in fact. I remember being so happy on my first few days or weeks on board 82 especially as I had less stress towards the attainment of my COC — these were great memories that I too detailed on my blog posts. A lack of a proper initiation on the very first day onboard a new ship this year showed the clear fleeting nature of my temporary presence. It’s honestly okay to me for this did not matter much to me, as I was bound to leave in a matter of a few months anyway. But there were some people I’ve known to be crew for more than half a year, who left without a sound. The ship really carries on without these people, without any regret. Where was the Navy family that they spoke about?

And of all times, something happened on the third day I was attached to this ship. From there, sailings were all cancelled. They were replaced with weekend duties after weekend duties, and there goes all my weekends. The crew had their Offs and SRs taken away as the ship continued to ready itself for operations. There were several knee jerk reactions that were put in place that put us through so much administrative trouble, there were so many initiatives that I deemed unnecessary but nevertheless had to go through with it because it seemed that ~we~ were the ones clearly at fault, and there were so many false hopes (“after this weekend it’ll be okay” “everything will go back to normal”) given to the crew again and again that remained false hopes because of the extra scrutiny put on us by the squadron staff and everyone else who deemed us unfit for operations.

Day to day I head to ship with a smile but the negative energy truly gets to me. I consider myself a relatively optimistic and cheerful person but I am too, affected by the dampened moods of everyone. I feel resentment for the crew and hopelessness from within. Everyone’s unhappy. Everyone’s desperate. In the past, I heard so much resentment about the sailing that was required from our squadron. Why does our squadron sail so much compared to the other squadrons? Why is there so much load taskings on such a lean duty crew in our squadron? Why do we work the hardest but yet receive little or no recognition from the rest of the RSN? Many people dreaded every single sailing so much, especially for those who may not see the purpose in what we are doing. But what all of us never knew was what and how it is like to be taken out of sailing. I draw parallels to being placed on the sidelines when all you want to do is to take part in the competition field after having been through tough physical trainings that you really hated and dreaded. Everyone on the ship right now is so desperate to be normal, to be on the same page as the rest of the squadron. We just want to sail. We just want to be seen as normal again, and we just want to be assigned patrols like any other ship in the squadron. We have been doing so much for this purpose but why have they been all reduced to naught?

I will remain thankful for this learning opportunity to cope with what I would consider a slump. I have been blessed last year to be assigned to an amazing ship with a great culture, but we cannot be lucky all the time. This year I will take this learning opportunity positively and keep the end goal in mind — to be competent enough and confidently get my COC.