Category Archives: Life

In dedication to you

I am not coping very well right now, but I definitely am coping much better than our previous few departures. I will not be seeing you for 6 weeks as you are on deployment, and after these 6 weeks, I will see you for 1 day and 1 night before I am off to London again. I don’t think LDR gets any easier. I struggled to fight my tears when I waved my final goodbye to you earlier, but recalling our times spent together this summer triggered me so badly and sent me straight into the toilet in tears. Why are we always subject to this? I hate LDR so much.

I had a lot of highlights with you this summer. Off the top of my head I will miss these the most:

  1. Seeing you at the airport after arrival, hearing your high-pitched voice again and wondering when your voice was this high because I never got a true sensing over Skype (I have actually forgotten how you sounded in real life after 6 long months). You were holding a bunch of flowers and a cup of Starbucks which was heavily diluted, and you mentioned that you had been waiting for me for a few hours already. We got lost in the carpark… because you forgot which floor you parked at. It doesn’t seem that long ago that we were reunited, and here we are separated again 😦
  2. Bringing you around my neighbourhood (namely Clementi Mall), with our bubble tea hunts — Large ice-cream milk tea orders from Koi and large royal milk guan yin orders from LiHo. Large llao llao cup with white chocolate toppings, strawberries and bananas. Who is going to share these things with me to reduce my guilt now? 😦 Thank you for always hanging around Jurong and Clementi simply because it would be easier to send me home from these places 😦
  3. Seeing your car drive into my car park on several occasions and running excitedly straight into the middle of the road to enter. And seeing my small Tsums arranged nicely at the top of your dashboard, remembering that this is my boyfriend and this is how I mark my territory :’)
  4. Meeting past 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm for dinner because it was always time-consuming for us to meet each other given that we were separated between Tuas and Changi, at the extreme ends of the island. Pretending to get angry as I was kept waiting even though I was always touched that you would pick me up/have dinner with me/send me home subsequently despite reaching home much later than I would. Just to honour your word on multiple occasions, and to maximise the limited time we had left together.
  5. You ferrying me out from Tuas to go out after a duty Friday, ferrying me to the hospital when I felt unwell (and waiting for me and even buying something prior to meeting me just so I would have a plastic bag to vomit into), ferrying me out of base for dinner when my fire drill debrief ended late. You often came all the way from Changi or home (which might even be worse), and that meant I took up a lot of your petrol consumption and time all this while. Thanks so much for the sacrifices 😥
  6. All the food dates we had together — Sembawang 白米粉 when I first arrived, Imperial Treasure at Orchard when I was grossly underdressed while you were in No.4, Sushi Bar, another Imperial Treasure at Sentosa, Ramen King, Swee Choon when you were too in No.4, On The Table, The Book Cafe, Wings Zone when I desperately wanted to eat fried chicken after my recovery from stomach flu, Poulet, Thai Express, 海底捞, Na Khon, Prive Cafe, 2am dessert bar, Chomp Chomp, random Hokkien Mee stalls (it was GREAT) and Curry Rice (this was nice too!!!) in Bukit Merah/Tiong Bahru just because I was craving after my recovery, IKEA, the multiple late night bingsu hunts in Tanjong Pagar and Orchard.
  7. All the family days we spent together: Korean food with my siblings for the treat you agreed upon last year, Ban Heng when we met officially for the first time, Prima, Jumbo, and the couple of times you came over because my mom was cooking. I met your family for Din Tai Fung, too.
  8. Ice-skating in Kallang, running around the playgrounds in West Coast Park with kids, Adventure Cove, enough said 😥 Mostly I miss how we got lazy queuing for rides, lied on the beach chairs facing the wave pool and just ~slept~ side by side holding hands for a few hours in the sun because we were so tired from the early morning.

We had very very limited time together because of both our busy schedules, but we made the best of the nights we had together. We barely shared any weekends because my weekends were continually eaten up, and it was only until recently we got to share weekend afternoons together. Unfortunately it is time for you to go and in my position I should be the most understanding of all girlfriends. I will miss you very very much, and I know it will only get more difficult from here when I finally have a free weekend but you are no longer around to spend it with me. I will try to stop being lame at this LDR business, stop crying like a baby and earnestly yearn for the day we can spend time together again.

I will keep all these memories safe in my heart. I wish you very safe watches, very very pleasant sea states because you suck at ship rollings, and to stay safe on all your shore leaves. I will see you very soon.

First year anniversary

My body has been thrown off-rhythm with all sorts of eventful happenings this week — my period this month with exceptionally bad cramps, my fever that keeps coming on and going off, and (suspected) food poisoning last night. I have yet to fully recover even though my MC has run its duration but I have reached a point whereby it is highly inappropriate to extend my medical leave given my (already long) 3-day absence from ship.

It was unfortunate that yesterday happened to be our first year anniversary, which should have been a good night at the end of it. He ended late, we met late, but he ended up sending me home really early (like 1-2 hours after dinner) because I felt so so queasy, with very intense period cramps. I tried to vomit at 12am but decided not to because it would make me feel really shitty; I ended up waking up at 4am with the queasy feeling, and a stronger urge to vomit. I hate vomiting and I don’t usually vomit (I try to sleep queasiness away), but in the past few weeks I have been vomiting so much from seasickness and (food poisoning?) that I am inclined to believe that my body has been subjected to a lot of stress all this while.

As I sit on my chair now I am hoping and hoping that the sea state today will be much better. My body has had enough and as strong as I may be going through the hectic ship routine with dozens of weekend sailings, I don’t think I can tolerate it for very much longer.

1 full weekend out of 10

If there’s a perfect description for the word demoralising it has to be this.

I’m very tired. I feel like an engine running low on fuel. The recent weekend sailing had in store plans to boost the crew’s morale, by planning a birthday celebration and “special makan” by the chef. It didn’t go too well, I puked it all out. Even with consumption of ginger pills (seasick pills). The sea state throughout the sailing was terrible. I will never forget the feeling leaning over the toilet bowl and puking my entire lunch and dinner out and imagining how I could be at RVNCC’s steamboat (which I had to miss even though I was in Singapore) or at my house’s dining table talking cock with my siblings. In my limited time left in Singapore I had to lose weekend by weekend, and it really hits me right in the heart.

I also remember that this same ship rolling may happen again next weekend. There are also 3 Sundays in August that are going to be burnt. I find it so so difficult to be positive because Sundays are so valuable to me. I also have less than 3 weeks left with HT. I am going to luck out eventually because I only have a few months left (or maybe weeks) in this squadron, but I can’t imagine having to stay positive losing every weekend when I’m back for good, and coping with sea state on top of that.

I hope things get better, because they have to. I am so desperate that I am already checking the sea state conditions for this weekend. It looks better, I hope it really will become better.

Tomorrow

The start is always the most difficult (being posted to a new ship with no friends and no direction) and I will try to embrace it with optimism and positivity.

I will try to put away thoughts I have about being lazy on a hot weekday afternoon after lunch, and try to read much as much as I can. This may be the only time in my career that I have all the time dedicated to obtain as much ship knowledge as I can, before additional responsibilities pile on me which will be absolutely irrelevant to shipboard life. By then I no longer will have the excuses of being a YO, being a freshly commissioned officer new to the ship, or even being rusty given that I am back from a long year of studies. Now is truly the time to seek and learn.

I will stay humble and seek to learn and re-learn actively, and never be too quick to assume that the knowledge I have is the “correct” one. I will try my best to shut up and absorb, and try my best to minimise my insensitive remarks especially to superiors who have way more experience, knowledge, and rapport with the crew than I do, which is honestly everything I am seeking to achieve this VA.

Most importantly, I must prioritise my learning over everything else. I want to expand my mental map way beyond what I have already known — an additional VA on ship, while undesirable, only represents greater opportunities/chances than the rest to pick up new things. It will be tiring, I will be sleepy and I will be annoyed. But I must remember that some things have to be done, and this is one of them. I am only at the beginning.

Pre VA

I am currently sitting in what I would term my mother’s frequented salon, unfortunately dying my hair black because VA is upcoming. What a reminder of the painful reality. On a very random note, I think I will hate myself 5 years into the future when I realise that I have stopped blogging about my travels. Why am I so lazy when I have all the time in the world, and why do I blog so much whenever I am supposedly busy?!

I am happy to be back in Singapore but once again I find it really strange that I miss London, because these feelings were never visited one year ago even before I met HT. I miss not just the lifestyle, I miss my neighbourhood and the convenience of everything. I miss how I took self check out counters for granted, how I could walk everywhere I wanted and well yes the weather too. I miss the beautiful parks that I ran along and people I met up with regularly after school. I miss my Korean teachers and schoolmates who regularly attended the lessons too. Over time I guess I developed an attachment to London along with the friendships I made there. When I take public transport in Singapore now it actually feels so familiar and ~right~ that the long period of stay in London truly feels like an extended dream.

It honestly is really difficult to transit back into military life this time and I can be sure that I am not alone in saying this. Starting a military lifestyle was interesting, to the extent of fun even. BMT was fun because I never knew what was ahead of me. Returning back for VA the first time was also exciting because I never stepped on a ship for an extended period of time before, and it was the first time I held (almost full) ownership of a day. This time I am honestly riddled with dread and worry because I do not know what will become of me if I still do not obtain my COC. I also have to obtain my dissertation findings between late June to late July, during the time when I’d still be busy with COC… what if I do not get it? I would honestly be so busy with the shipboard routine that I may not even have time to carry out my dragonfly surveys, much less meet up with HT. What would the inability to get it in my second year VA say about me and my abilities? I fear. There’s only how much you can speak for yourself and your so-called abilities that qualify you to be a scholar when you clearly disappoint as they attempt to check boxes of your achievements on a checklist.

Shortly after my tight dissertation/VA timeline, HT will be going on a 6-week long deployment in mid-August. It really is so unfortunate that he happened to get long sailings during this period when I’m back in Singapore, especially since haven’t been reunited for long. It also seems the case that I won’t have anything much left to do in this time period, especially if I successfully pass my assessment. Why do the timelines clash so badly?

Onto a more positive note, I’ve done a lot since I landed in Singapore approximately 2.5 weeks ago. Most notable events include:

1. Trampoline Park + Delta steamboat

Met up with these chicks for some dimsum and bingsu shortly after arrival and it was nice to catch up!!! again!!! Really miss them.

Then we went to the AMPed Trampoline Park in Jurong together too. It was honestly really fun and one of the most memorable things I have done this entire 2 to 3 weeks. I remember how I initially entered the trampoline area and was actually very scared of stepping into the black areas HAHAHA. Also it was nice because we were the only ones in the entire place so they asked us what type of music we wanted, and I shouted KOREAN KOREAN KOREAN. We really got Korean HAHAHAHA I was half amused and actually really really happy. Poor thing the rest had to be subjected to my (perceived terrible) musical tastes, and not being able to understand any single song at all.

Now everyone finally understands how I feel when English songs keep playing in the background… 😦

We also had a steamboat at Yixin’s house! I had an enjoyable evening from getting the steamboat ingredients to napping on her couch to winning a 5-tai mahjong game BUT WE DID NOT PLAY MONEY!!!!!!! Undercover however was the most memorable because of how stupid everyone’s responses were. Notable responses: alive/bio (Weihan), subject/Science (Ziwei) and small (Jia Jian), for personal laughter purposes. Also featuring a selfie with Jie Ling because I was disturbing her the entire night. I miss making fun of her and her pail in the toilet lolol (inside joke).

It was nice to meet up with the NCC people, especially after having missed out on the gatherings (CNY?) for the entire academic year. I thank Yixin for organising without fail every year, and willingly sacrificing your house because I totally understand how messy things can get.

2. Family dinners

 

This was the first weekend after my arrival when we went to eat dimsum at Imperial Treasure 🙂 I must have just woken up or something because what kind of smile is that?! Ate so much and over-ordered so crazily, totally forgot this family custom when dining out.

Another “family dinner” occasion when HT treated my siblings to a meal — something he promised a year ago when we first met hehe. We had army stew, although now I would draw comparisons to ASSA in London and I must say that ASSA’s army stew is much better. We also ended up having some coconut ice-cream and they had a funny sign to express the fact that they will be right back — something about picking the best coconuts in Thailand right now. When the staff returned, my brother asked her “why you come back empty-handed, where are the coconuts?” HAHAHAHA what a troll. We went to play at the arcade after that and after spending $20… we managed to redeem a lame keychain. LOL.

Next family dinner was a dinner at Ban Heng Boon Keng, where we ordered this handsome looking roast pig on top of a 10-person set meal (when there were only 9 of us). The bill totalled up to be rather crazy especially with this add-on, it costed near $200+!!! But it seemed that my Dad really wanted to eat this so he went ahead in ordering it.

All 3 of us siblings brought our respective partners and it was interesting to imagine that this would be how it’s like in the near foreseeable future. My mother, at the end of the day, pulled an emotional stunt about how she was upset that all 3 of us will eventually move out and the house would be left with her and my father only. Sorry that I found it amusing, Mom. I will stay as near to Clementi as possible, because after living in such a convenient place there is no way I can move out to elsewhere. We unfortunately didn’t take a picture that day, apart from the food. I wonder why didn’t we, because it would have been excellent for a memory keepsake.

Here’s me with (part of) his family too hehehehe it is not just one-way okay.

3. 21st birthday parties

After regrettably looking at 21st birthday photos on Instagram the whole year, I finally managed to drag my ass back to attend Edina’s and Kenn Hong’s birthday parties.

Took a selfie with Szemin because I was proud to have the same hairstyle (hers was even longer HAHAHA).

Her beautiful dessert table and set-up! I unfortunately arrived late so I stared and was useless most of the time. Glad to meet up with these beautiful 4G girls too — I remember how we called 4G and conveniently left out Kang Tze and Kay Vin who were also at the birthday party HAHAHA.

Kenn Hong’s party! His house was amazing, it was honestly the first time I’ve been to a Singapore home with a lift within the compound. So many bedrooms it wasn’t a joke when Richard said how we would need a map to navigate around the house. It was also nice to chat with the other 74th people once again and laugh/gossip over the same people, especially since they headed to university this year. Their lives are truly interesting as well 🙂

4. Dinners and lots and lots of Japanese food (Chirashidon in particular). Lots.

My first meal: 百米粉 with HT. All the way at Punggol End what the heck because that was the only branch he knew how to drive to HAHAHAHA.

Nakhon at Holland Village after seeing everyone eat it on Instagram and Insta story. Got bitten by some mozzies along the way too.

Walking around the basement of Plaza Singapura eating rubbish just because I can.

The Sushi Bar with HT on the day I sent in my Mac to the Apple Store. Loved the Chirashi don recommended by Dilys and whatever he was eating — some pasta HAHAHA. He loved it. I think we will definitely come back to this place.

Ichiban with my sister and my mother last week when I gladly had a huge set meal after finishing a swim. I finished every single thing on this plate, except the watermelon hehehe.

Indian food with Uncle and Auntie when I finally treated them on one occasion after 20 years. Feels good to enjoy financial independence and to be able to make decisions with my own money.

Imperial Treasure La Mian Xiao Long Bao with HT hehehe. Loved the duck, loved the XLB, and loved the sichuan noodles!!!

Zicha with my family as of late. I loved the you tiao and the pork. The other two dishes which are supposedly healthier as seen in this picture were largely ignored by me :’)

5. Met up with 6/6 classmates.

This was an eventful trip to town on a very rare occasion because we needed to buy some clothes for Caleb to impress since he entered SMU. There was also another occasion we headed out for supper because Gordon manage to drive his Dad’s car that day. Looking forward to our upcoming dinner/supper (whatever it will be) with Ms Chan again 🙂

Reminder to self to blog about post-exam fun in London (including Seven Sisters).

End of my second academic year

It is my last night in London.

I have counted down since forever to my eventual return on the 26th of May, which happens to be tomorrow. When HT and I first separated we texted each other, and one of those messages from him was “259 days more!” I cried as I read his handwritten letter and re-read that message. How unrealistic it was, I told myself. How were we going to last? How many couples have I seen breaking up? What makes the both of us think that “our love is different” compared to the many others who thought the same way when they initially parted? I was so cynical and I honestly do not think my worries were unfounded. On some nights in London I really constantly questioned myself why. It seemed easier emotionally last academic year when I was single. I am however really glad that my “emotional mechanism” is able to shut those thoughts out as soon as they are formed, and despite some reunion jitters I really cannot wait to see HT in 3D again after 6 months.

Today I wore short sleeves out having been blessed with an amazing sunny weather, temperatures reaching up to 28 degrees in the afternoon. I saw a glimpse of London in summer — the streets littered with people wearing sleeveless dresses and holding Starbucks frappucinos, green spaces filled with people with picnic mats holding their sandwich lunches and… simply the increased density of people on the streets even though it is only Thursday. I never got to experience these sights last year and I am indeed really lucky because I do not think I will ever get a chance to experience London summer in full, given that I will always be back in Singapore for VA.

Now that it’s still 9.15pm and sunny I have concluded that today has been an absolutely perfect day. Today I sent off my 7 boxes early in the morning and now I face an empty room and kitchen… it looked similar to what I saw when I first arrived in this room. The rate at which time passes scares me very very much. I remember posting on what you would call a “private Instagram” (which has now disappeared) a perspective of London from Goodge Street when I first arrived for the second time and commenting how scarily unfamiliar the familiar London was. Or the scarily familiar unfamiliar London. It was 7am on a Sunday morning when I wheeled my luggage out of the tube station and saw how cloudy and gloomy the morning was. I thought back on my Sunday mornings at home and I remembered my noisy family, my irritating siblings and the sunny hot weather in Singapore. It was painful to stomach the fact that I would be here alone for 9 months again, especially when I was painfully separated from HT during what I would also call our honeymoon period. I also remember my first night here when my dining/study table was in a different position of the room, when I set off the smoke alarm from cooking instant noodles from a tiny pot (resulting in water spilling all over the induction hob), when I slept on unfamiliar sheets and when I had nothing in this new home to call my own. I managed to Skype HT when he was sailing, and despite not being able to see his face I went to sleep with great ease. It was nice that he tried doing that to help me settle down better.

Slightly more than 8 months have passed since then and I have done many many things. I have not accomplished as much academically as I would like to, and I say this only because I know I can achieve better. I have however, enjoyed myself a lot more this year. I ate a lot better, made an effort to actively seek for entertainment and did many more things that I enjoyed. I ventured to areas even off-London (eg. New Malden) just to have a legit Korean BBQ meal and good bingsu. I went to 梁静茹’s concert, although it may have been more perfect if I managed to obtain tickets for Jay Chou’s concert. Notable trips are Bristol with RV, Thursley Common for a field trip, Mallorca for a field trip, Lake District and Paris with HT, Switzerland with Weixuan and Edina, the UCLSS Ski Trip at the French Alps, Durham to meet Xinci, Italy with my siblings, Amsterdam with Dilys and Weixuan, and lastly the killer Seven Sisters hike with Dilys and Weixuan as of late. I watched Wicked and Phantom of the Opera again, I watched The Kite Runner, and I also watched The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time before their final stage in June. Wicked costed £29.50 this time because I queued in the morning for day seats which led me to a seat all the way at the front; the last time I paid £17.50 I was sitting at the last row of the musical! Seats are important in keeping me awake and stall seats really provide the best musical experience. I am increasingly of the opinion that money saving habits can only kick in successfully with familiarity, how would I have understood the concept of day seats in the past? I snuck into the UCL Korean Culture Society and attended weekly intermediate Korean lessons every Wednesday and Friday. Despite the attendance declining from the start I never dreaded the 6pm lessons when I often had to leave home the second time in the day for school, and especially enjoyed it more towards the end when the teachers started recognising us. I hope to improve enough over summer to find myself in the advanced language class next academic year.

I have lived very well this year although my bank account has certainly been bleeding more than last year. I remain thankful to the scholarship and the organisation for this financial independence. Last year I used to tell people that I did not have much friends in London, but this statement does not hold anymore. I really had an active social life, a social life that would not have been possible if my phone were to be spoilt like what happened last year. I forged stronger friendships and saw myself laughing a lot more this year. I made it a point to enjoy London for what it has to offer, the food, the sights and simply the way of life. I am liking London more and more as I approach the possible end of my three years here and it saddens me that the dream I had worked and put in everything for may come to an abrupt end soon. Although I think I Skype rather regularly I never thought it took away time from my personal life, I tried to make it a point to lead less of a virtual life especially if we were to “have a lifetime ahead”, as quoted from HT.

I am excited to leave the house for the airport 5 hours in advance tomorrow, to wheel my luggage and struggle to carry it up and down flights of stairs on the tube. It says a lot about the girl I have grown to become; I think I can say with confidence that she is a better version of myself. Other than growing to be even more independent I think I have grown to be more empathetic, kinder and more sensitive. On this note, I will continue to figure out and actively work on my character flaws. This summer I also hope to obtain my COC, because it would say a lot about my lack of attitude/aptitude if I still do not. I also want to work hard on my dissertation because an excellent dissertation project would show how much I have learnt this year from the endless coursework submissions, repeated data collection/analysis/discussion, and show the markers how capable I am of independent learning. Next academic year too, I hope to actively work on my academic weaknesses. I still believe that everything is a choice, and I hope to strive harder to make that active choice for academic excellence.

After tonight I would have no more “sleeps in London” until late September, so goodbye Collingwood House. See you after summer 🙂

Results

I was in a very pensive mood yesterday after the examinations and all I wanted was to get away from that examination hall seating a few hundreds of people. I was so down, so upset and so afraid.

Context:

70+ First class mark. If you are a real Singaporean you’d be trying hard to be here.

60-69 Second upper class mark (2:1)

50-59 Second lower class mark (2:2)

I’d received unsatisfactory grades throughout the course of my entire degree. I remember them. I guess no one really reads my blog so hopefully it won’t become discussed in my course like what happened to other people in high school…

In my first year, my first ever assignment received an overall mark 55. Then a 62. Then a 72… hey are things becoming better now? Then a 64. Ouch.

I stopped aiming. Only two modules were graded anyway, and most of the examination modules were not. Overall I got 2 Firsts for my 8 modules, 5 2:1s and a last 2:2. I even laughed about the last one — I got 25 for an essay because I was writing a “right answer to the wrong question”. Who the hell gets 25/100 for an essay?!

There were tons of coursework submissions this year. 4 due on the 10th of January, 1 due on the 8th of Feb, 1 due on the 3rd of March, 1 due on the 22nd of March, 1 due on the 24th of March, and 1 due on the 24th of April.

For the January batch of coursework, I had gotten 68, 67, 66 and 54.

December to January was difficult. It was lots of learning of softwares in greater depth: R, ArcMap, MatLab, STELLA, all of which I had zero clue about.

During the whole December break I was also travelling excessively, and prior to the 3-week break, HT was here. I really had no time for coursework and I saw those as my priorities. Getting marks in the range of 66-68 was therefore quite pleasant for me, I would (and could) just work harder during the exam.

 54 was definitely my fault, I left myself with 24 hours for that coursework. When I submitted it through Turnitin at 11am I knew I was thoroughly screwed — my figures weren’t composed properly, I had hardly come up with proper location maps, and I hadn’t even linked my Discussion section to my Results section. I am just glad I passed for my horrendous submission, I was mostly upset because this was 90% and there was no way I was salvaging it. I also had some sort of coursework fatigue from having finished 3 prior to this and I was sick and tired of learning and using a new software. It requires time for familiarisation as well and I had no time for that this time.

I moved on from those 4 coursework assignments… to embark the 5 in Term 3. The results are coming back. I received 75. Then 80. Then 72 even when I pasted two of the same figures by mistake in my work… are things getting better? Am I on my way? I must be getting the hang of things now! I tried to read so much more beyond the recommended literature to get beyond the band of 66-68. Maybe they really want originality. I really am improving! I worked out my marks and coursework percentages here and there and found out that to possibly secure a first class eventually, I would have to play safe and get at least 5 to 6 modules with a First this year. I was not confident of getting a First for my dissertation in my final year — I know it won’t be that easy.

But yesterday I received a mark of 67 and I felt like I was going back to square one all over again. Another bye to a possible first-class mark. No, eventually there had been no improvement. Yesterday, too, I had not gotten lucky with the questions for a module I thought I could bag a First for. I told myself: I only needed one good essay and one mediocre essay to get a 70 overall. I prepared for 5 topics, and only one worked in my favour. How unlucky was I? Really unlucky. Most people prepared only 4, or less if you are not bothered about this exam. Essentially, I prepared a mediocre essay and another piece of shit, because the wording for the question I prepared for was really convoluted as well. Examiners probably saw that it would be a popular question. I felt like crying midway through writing my second essay. I was cooking up shit and I knew I was giving more marks away with every line I was writing.

I feel sad from the weight of my personal expectations. I don’t want to feel burdened over every unsatisfactory grade or terrible examination. I cannot be like this my whole life, there are so many more examinations I have to take and so many tests I must put myself through. How can I ever be happy this way?

“The part of me that only thinks being the best is acceptable needs to take a chill pill and realize that if I give something my best effort and end up with an average result that is perfectly fine and will only lead to a happier and healthier me. I will keep trying to do my best, but if an exam or a lacrosse game does not go as well as I had hoped, I am not going to ruminate on my mistakes. I will learn to use the bad as a life experience and move on. I will find peace in realizing that being average is okay, but I will take pride in knowing I will never lead an average life. I have long ago stopped expecting perfection from those around me, and now far more importantly, I will stop demanding perfection from myself.”

I will continue to strive, but I will stop being bitter about myself. I will remind myself that the leader(s) I respect the most had less than stellar academic achievements, but was/were extremely hardworking and charismatic. These “idols” of mine might even stab me if I told them about my woes.

I feel much better today after the lousy morning and terrible examination yesterday. I knew I was not going to do further studying after the shitty afternoon paper yesterday, and all I wanted to do was to go home and lie on my bed and Skype. We ended up watching a movie, and after that I slept at 10.30pm. Which means HT stayed up all the way till 5.30am to accompany me to save my shitty day. Thank you very much, so much love for you smiling to sleep last night :’) Thank you for never dissing my opinions even though you are less concerned about results and grades than anyone else. In my darkest of days I am glad you are always there, even though you are not physically present. I know I am in a much better position than people sleeping beside a familiar stranger, and I will be thankful for that. I try to steer clear of talking about HT too much because I think I should lead a proper life myself, but today I am so glad to have a boyfriend. Hehehehehehehe.